Time for a #LetsBeReal Moment. Authenticity is healthy.
The past two weeks have sucked. The combination of the chaos of the holiday season and my lack of discipline led to me straying from my healthy routine and all the things that have helped me during my recovery process. I slipped up. I gave in to temptation.
I was open and honest about my slip up. I had no desire to fall back into the pit. I was miserable and disgusted by my actions. To some, in comparison to past behaviors, this would seem like a minor hiccup. But to me, I felt like I had just given the middle finger to the face of Almighty God.
The hardest part has not been resisting the temporary pleasures that sexual sin promises. The hardest part has been the heavy weight of shame threatening to drag me down into the very pit that I had been miraculously delivered from.
Shame said to me that my recent actions had rendered me worthless.
That all God had done was now erased.
Shame said that all hope is lost.
Shame whispered to my heart...
"You’re a failure. Just quit now. There's no point in fighting. You'll always end up back here. This is who you are. The pit is where you belong."
The argument from Shame seemed legitimate. It was logical.
Shame looked at how my sin had crushed my wife and told me that causing her pain was what I was best at.
Shame said, "All you ever do is hurt those that you love."
My heart began to listen. My hope began to fade.
I was paralyzed by the fear that Shame would win. Depression began to set in.
I began to pray. To beg for God to intervene. I needed something to counteract the lies of Shame. My heart was weak. I was beginning to believe lies. I was approaching a critical crossroad and I had no hope that I was capable of choosing the correct path.
As Shame began to shout out lies...
As I begin to listen...
As hope began to fade and the darkness began to grow and threatened to chase away the Light...
Grace arose and said to shame, “HELL NO.”
With authority that can only come from the Creator, Grace said to me that I am loved.
Grace reminded me that I am valuable. So valuable, in fact, that God sent his only Son to DIE in my place. To pay my debt. To set me free.
Grace says that HOPE ABOUNDS.
Grace says that the war is won. That deliverance is here. The Light will win.
Grace says victory is assured.
Grace said, “COME HOME!”
I cannot accurately describe what occurs in one’s heart the moment when you begin to cherish & cling to the incredible, miraculous, undeserving gift of Grace.
The weight of shame rolled off my shoulders and right back into the gates of Hell where it belongs.
Complete brokenness occurred. Hope was restored. The Light would not be put out.
God's love will always win.
My hatred towards this sin and the lies of the devil regarding it continues to grow in ways I never thought possible.
My awe & love for my wife and her incredible strength and ability to choose to love and forgive me continues to grow more and more every day.
I will never understand why God chose to love me. To forgive me. To save me. I will always stand in awe of his mercy and grace. I am so unworthy. I have no choice but to fall on my face and worship Him. My life is not mine. My life is His and through His power He will provide me the Grace that I need to live a life that glorifies Him.
There is hope. There is freedom. I must continue to choose love.
For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. These, then, are the things you should teach. Encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you. Titus 2:11-15 NIV
I've celebrated 4 anniversaries of my 25th birthday. I have an amazing wife & an incredible son. God is transforming my life and I love to write. Here you will find my ramblings about what God has done, is doing and my dreams of what I hope He will do in the future. Thanks for coming along for the ride!