Like most people I hate the sound of an alarm clock. In fact, I hate it so much I refuse to wake up to one. Honestly, it's for the best interest of everyone else that interacts with me on a daily basis. That shrieking, atomic, blasted beeping noise that so rudely bursts into reality and disrupts me from my much needed beauty sleep sends me into a raging fury that is not a pleasant site to experience and probably even worse to behold.
So because of this reality, I wake up to music. I normally change the song once in a while. In fact, there a few good songs out there that have been ruined for me because I left them as my "alarm song" for too long. There's nothing like being in the middle of worship when one of those songs starts to play and my body automatically assumes I’m still in bed and that it is time to get up. I'm sure those around me think that I am raising my arms in an expression of worship when, in reality, it's just muscle memory causing me to do my morning stretch routine triggered by one of my former "alarm songs" being played.
Every now and then there is a benefit to having songs set as your alarm. I'm pretty picky as to what I wake up to. It can't be too upbeat. I want to wake up gently. I desire to exit the land of dreams as delicately as possibly.
Currently, my alarm song is "Calling on Fire" by Bellarive and this morning... it was exactly what I needed.
We are preparing to buy a house. As a man, a recovering addict, someone who hates large financial transactions and long term commitment it feels like the most daunting and terrifying experience of my life.
I'm normally not much of a worrier. I’m normally pretty even keel and seem to be able to remain calm when life gets crazy. (Okay, except when the Royals are playing.)
As I laid my head to rest upon my pillow last night and beckoned the land of dreams to come and blissfully carry me away; while I gazed at the darkness otherwise known as the back of my eyelids... I began to worry.
Here's the thing... when I start to worry, I talk... and talk... and talk.
I'd much rather listen to the sound of my own voice then be stuck inside the silence of my own head with all those terrifying thoughts bombarding my poor panicking soul.
The only problem with this whole talking thing is that as the clock starts to strike midnight, Cinderella loses her slipper and my wife would like to be able to sleep.
Apparently the sound of my voice isn't as soothing as I think it is.
My wife, in the most gentle and loving ways, basically told me to shut up.
Okay, she didn't say that at all. But I have a feeling the thought was definitely hiding somewhere inside her own head and justifiably so.
Of the two of us, she is probably the more experienced one when it comes to anxiety and worrying.
So as I struggled with the fact that I very well may never sleep again until we have found and moved into a new house, she began to give me some counsel.
She kindly reminded me of the sermon this past Sunday, which, just so happened to be on Proverbs 3:5-6.
TRUST in the Lord.
Honestly, that's far enough. Already guilty. Already failing. Frustrated.
I didn’t feel like being preached at and I definitely didn’t want to remember that sermon.
Besides, GOD DOESN'T CARE WHAT HOUSE WE BUY. HE'S NOT WORRIED ABOUT THE MUNDANE DETAILS OF MY LIFE. HE HAS AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE TO KEEP IN MOTION. THIS HOUSE BUYING STUFF IS ALL UP TO ME.
I’ve got to.
TRUST in the Lord.
Thankfully, my wife interrupted the battle going on within my mind and proceeded to move on to her next step of council. When I worry or am anxious, I pray, she said.
Then she went on to emphasize that she prays SILENTLY. IN HER HEAD. So she doesn't disturb anyone that may happen to be in the same room trying to sleep.
Still not sure why she felt the need to throw that random tidbit in there.
So I began to follow her advice.
It wasn't the prettiest prayer I've ever prayed.
It went something like this:
God, I'm never going to sleep. Why did you make us so we had to sleep? Can you just drop a house from the sky and place it somewhere for us and magically have the deed show up on our doorstep? If you don't I'm probably just going to end up digging a hole somewhere and living inside of it for the rest of my life.
God, I don't know what I'm doing.
God, what if you don't what us here in KC? What if we buy a house and then you ask us to move?
What if we buy the WRONG house?
What if I hate them all?
And then I found the phrase I should have started with...
God, help me. I can't handle this. I can't control this. I hate that both of those things are true. I need you. I want to trust you. I need to trust you. But I need your help in order to do that.
The prayers slowly began to fade into the blackness of the night. Dreamland arrive. Sleep came.
The hours passed. Then the sun began to rise and a voice began to sing, interrupting the silence of the new morning and ever so kindly pulling me away from dreamland,
"I'm born with a restless heart,
In the darkness
I'm born with a desperate need,
I failed you a thousand times,
Still you're faithful
Teach me to fix my eyes,
Burn away my rebellious,
Ever wandering heart
Lift me out from the ashes
Keep me where you are"
“Calling on Fire” - Bellarive
I let it keep playing as I brushed my teeth. Awestruck at the irony of the moment.
It’s incredible how God seems to give us just what we need in the most unique ways. He wasn’t finished though. He knew my heart needed something more.
I climbed into my car and immediately notice that the Christian radio station that the dial was tuned to was doing some lame gimmick to entertain their audience instead of doing what they should be doing, playing music.
If I hear talking on the radio instead of music I normally immediately change the station. I didn't this morning.
They were doing a "Sword drill."
Over the radio? Are you kidding me? That is literally the dumbest idea ever.
Whoever thought of that needs to be fired. And while we are at it... The producer that approved that idea needs to go as well.
I hate radio gimmicks and this one seem like the worst one I had ever heard.
So of course I had to listen to the disaster unfold.
They had 2 pastors in the studio who were competing against each other.
They gave 3 verses. Only one was found and read on the air, the other they forgot the verse and didn’t find it and the third, in another lame attempt to be gimmicky and funny, was not a real passage.
But the one verse that they did read on the radio?
The Lord says, "Then I will heal you of your faithlessness; my love will know no bounds, for my anger will be gone forever."
I have no idea how to go about trusting God during the unknown and uncertainties of life.
I honestly have no idea what true faith looks like.
How do I trust and yet make my own decisions. Where is the balance in this whole thing?
I looked up Hosea chapter 14 and read the rest of the chapter.
Starting in verse 7 this is how the passage concludes:
My people will again live under my shade.
They will flourish like grain and blossom like grapevines.
They will be as fragrant as the wines of Lebanon.
“O Israel, stay away from idols!
I am the one who answers your prayers and cares for you.
I am like a tree that is always green;
all your fruit comes from me.”
Let those who are wise understand these things.
Let those with discernment listen carefully.
The paths of the Lord are true and right,
and righteous people live by walking in them.
But in those paths sinners stumble and fall.
Sometimes, when life is spinning so fast around us, we feel like feel like faith is an impossibility. Often, we don't even consider faith as an option. Faith isn't tangible. I can't grab on to faith and visibly watch it solve my problem immediately. Faith is blind. So, naturally, faith is hard.
But when it comes to having faith in our God, blind is good. In fact, it's what we are commanded to do.
Trust in the Lord.
A familiar passage. An incredible truth.
A command that I must continue to learn to obey no matter the circumstances.
I’m thankful for a wife that councils and prods me to do that.
And sometimes, I can’t even find the ability to have faith on my own, so I have to ask.
Sometimes, when you ask, you receive.
Our God is awesome like that.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.
I've celebrated 4 anniversaries of my 25th birthday. I have an amazing wife & an incredible son. God is transforming my life and I love to write. Here you will find my ramblings about what God has done, is doing and my dreams of what I hope He will do in the future. Thanks for coming along for the ride!