My eyes flutter open as my alarm softly begins to sound. I close my eyes, exhaling deeply as I reach for the snooze button. Another day is here. A jumble of scattered, attacking thoughts begin to crash my groggy brain.
"Stay in bed. You're sick. No need to go to work today."
"You're worthless. Stop trying. You've screwed up enough already."
"Just run off. Leave it all behind. You're better off alone."
"You still think you can amount to something? You still think God can use you. Ha. You fool."
"You know it'd be easier if you just gave in and gave up."
"You're not worthy."
I press the snooze button and attempt to shut out these these thoughts hoping I will drift back to sleep for another 7 minutes or so.
10 minutes later my feet hit the floor. I roll out of bed and slowly begin to get dressed.
I hate mornings.
I can't say that this synopsis describes every morning. I am tentative to even say that it describes most mornings. But it clearly defines a lot of my mornings.
Some may be quick to categorize this description as a struggle with depression. And, while that may be true of some people, I would argue that it's not the case in my situation.
The reality is this.
Faithfulness is hard.
Integrity is hard.
Honesty is hard.
Resisting the desires of my flesh... IS HARD.
I long to fulfill the wicked desires of my deceitful heart. And far too often my heart convinces me that those desires are good for me.
The flip side of this fact is that I hate who I am when I give in to those desires and follow the lies of my heart down towards the path of destruction.
It's a catch 22 if you will. What I seem to long for the most will make me absolutely miserable and eventually destroy me.
When I realize how destructive my longings are I begin to hate them with a passion.
It seems I’m not the first to struggle with this problem. The Apostle Paul wrote in Romans 7 about this very thing.
“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.” Romans 7:15-20
It truly is easy to accept that my sinful desires define who I actually am.
For years I accepted as truth the lie that I was my desires.
They were a part of who I was. I could not change.
This was my false reality.
Thankfully, God opened my eyes to the Truth of His Word.
My heart has been changed.
Now I realize that those fleshly desires of my deceitful heart, although super dangers, have no power over me. They are dead and I am alive in Christ.
Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” - Lamentations 3:19-24
The mercies of the Lord are never ending. They are new every morning.
I must cling to them.
The biggest threat to my walk with God over the last year hasn't been the desire to commit sexual sin.
Oh, that desire is still there. I fear it will never go away.
The biggest threat to my walk with God is the lie that I am not worthy to walk with Him.
That walking with Him is too hard.
That the path my deceitful heart has planned out for me is better than God's path.
So on the mornings when the lies roar louder than the truth.
When I am bombarded by the allure of this world and all the pleasures it claims to offer,
I must find a way to recognize the truth within the lie.
The truth within the lie is that I am not worthy to walk with God.
But the truth does not stop there.
I am not worthy to walk with God… but the good news is that I do not have to be worthy... because He is.
And because He is worthy and I am his Son, He views me as worthy.
All the power of the resurrection rests within me.
The allure of all of the false pleasures and promises of this world have NO dominion over me.
Whether it is the darkest moments of the night or the early sunrise in the mornings, when the lies begin to pull me down and threaten to drown out the beauty of God's grace I must speak truth.
I can speak it in song.
I can speak it in scripture
I can speak it in prayer.
I can speak it in fellowship with another believer in Christ.
The moment that we forsake speaking truths, our deceitful hearts have already began to lead us astray. There is no goodness within me. Without His truth I will head back towards my pit and devour the filth that I have previously vomited up.
The beauty of the Gospel is that my worth rest in Christ alone and nothing can ever change that.
Because of this fact, this incredible truth, there is nothing else that I can do but begin to cling to his Word and pour out my life as truth to others.
I've celebrated 4 anniversaries of my 25th birthday. I have an amazing wife & an incredible son. God is transforming my life and I love to write. Here you will find my ramblings about what God has done, is doing and my dreams of what I hope He will do in the future. Thanks for coming along for the ride!